So Hey.
Whats new?
I'm not incredibly good at writing about myself or my emotions so I'm starting this thing where I write about the people in my life. Without them I'm no one right?
Davey Prudence
So there's this guy. (I HATE stories that start out like this.)
I'm 17 right? He's 23, er 24. We happen to work at the same place. For me its just a part-time job to pay for my gym membership/gas/clothes/lavish dining, but for him its a career. I'm just a cashier, he's a manager. He's actually already in a relationship with another girl who works there as well (who is closer to his age and holds a higher up position than myself.) She's a sweet girl, kinda plain, but still kinda sweet. She's got this pale non-expressive face though, far different from mine. I've never seen her laugh incredibly hard or trip&fall or anything like that. She's in school right now studying accounting..... that says it all. I mean, she's nice and all, and we talk on occasion, but she's so not right for him. Let me tell you about the day I first ever saw his tan, adoring, dimpled face... I was on register 10, staring aimlessly at the ceiling, most likely fixated on my own thoughts about what my plans for the weekend, just minding my own business. In walks this guy. He's average height, very muscular, (I'm not even into the guido/gorilla buff kinda guy) tanned Tahitian skin, and walking with his shoulders wide and broad, almost with his chest puffed out. Its like that instant connection, I think he even looked at me. I almost got weak, like in my legs. My eyes were fixed on him, good thing no one came to check-out cuz' I would not have noticed at all. I was almost stunned, I had no idea someone so HAWT would work there.
After that day I swear months went by without me ever even seeing him, I figured he quit or got fired er some shit like that. Or maybe we were just never scheduled to work on the same days? Who knows, I was pretty over it. But one day I was putting returned items back to their spots and some guy was standing behind me with a clipboard writing shit down. At first I thought he was writing about me so I just tried to work proficiently, but I couldn't figure out where this stupid Santa coloring book went. After like 30 seconds I slowly let my grey-green eyes lift from the base of the shelf to see who the fuck was writing on that clip board. I almost pee'd a little when I saw that tanned face again. He just kind of looked at me, didn't smile. I gave a quick baby smile with light happy eyes and quickly shoved my face back down to finish looking for the coloring book. When I know someones watching me, I involuntarily start to do weird things. Its like I lose control over my body. My back might start to get shivers and I'll start to do this weird shaking neck thing. I was standing there, doing that weird neck thing. Oh shit, I thought. I'm just gunna walk away. (By the way turns out he was writing about the shelves, not me.) I was about to get the hell out of there when I heard a semi-deep voice. "You having troubles?" It was kind of a light reassuring voice, he even kind of said it with a giggle. For me, when that barrier breaks between awkwardness and new-best-friend I'm no longer a disheveled little shy thing. I popped around with a little grin and told him about the coloring book. He laughed and placed it on a shelf probably 5 feet taller than I was.
So yeah, thats how it all got started. From then on we would talk pretty often at work. He laughed at my jokes and I was in awe over his mannerisms. There was a part about him that really seemed like he wanted me. I'm use to seeing men look at me a certain way, like I'm this interesting erotic little thing. But he looked at me like I was actually interesting enough to love. I shouldn't bring up the L word, thats not what I meant. But seriously, it was something I'm not all that use to. About a week or so later I got a friend request on Facebook from him. It was kinda weird but cool at the same time seeing his interests and everything. I knew we were very similar from talking in person but it showed that we were into a lot of the same things too. But, there's always the girlfriend thing. Fuck. I can't get all buddy-buddy with someone else's guy. See, a part of me says fuck it, you only live once and you want him & he wants you and everything will be alright she'll never ever find out. But I have this karma thing, ever since I got caught stealing from Macy's in 7th grade I haven't been so good at going against my conscience. I'm constantly doing the right thing, well sorta. Whatever, back to the story. So like a week after he added me he chatted me. I literally got a huge smile on my face when I saw his name pop up on the screen. We started talking, I could tell we were clicking well. He even said something like "we're so much alike, we should get married." The conversation went on and he ended it with "I've gotta go, here's my #, text me." I basically kinda flipped. And no worries, I didn't jump his phone and text him that second. I actually waited a day :) Like I've learned from books! We've had good conversations since then, nothing too deep, just flirting. He even invited me to his house to go hot tubbin', but I had work the next morning... and I was deathly scared to go. He'll text me every so often, but I never text him first. I don't wanna seem like the pushy-attached-innocent-little girl-who gushes about him with her stupid best friends. Thats the last thing I want, and its hard since I'm significantly younger than him. I need to seem mature and classy, which isn't hard because for the most part I'm pretty mentally and emotionally advanced for my age.
Alright, fast-forward. I was at the mall with my Mom the other day when he texted me. It started off as just a casual convo like usual, but I decided to take a chance and lay the flirtation on a little more thick. He was totally into it. I was totally into it. He kept saying things like "You're such a funny girl" and "You make me laugh." I loved hearing it. Then at one point he asked me why I haven't asked him to hangout or told him that I was into him. That kind of threw me off. I mean, I knew we were flirting, but thats all I really thought it was. Sure, I'd love for it to be more... but he's already in a relationship. I told him that, and he asked "well do you keep secrets?" When he said that it almost made me want to throw up. I wanted to say NO you ass hole. But who was I kidding? I'd already gone this far, what was I expecting to happen? I can't get show someone interest and then back off the second they take it further. I asked for this. But I still told him no. It was the karma thing again, God dammit. I just couldn't.
Her I am now, almost completely regretting rejecting him. I don't know what to do.
Confusion is the most common emotion I feel. I'm always confused about myself, the world, life, everything. I'm confused as to why I chose to write about him first, rather than my best friend, or my Mom or something. This little story of mine makes me feel incredibly naive.
