Gooday' Mate

So almost everybody in the world is in search of love, myself included. I envy anyone who has actually found it. So far, 17 years and I have had no luck. I was with my 2 best friends today sitting on the pier by this lake and we were discussing "love." When you really think about it, its a weird thing to talk about. Not awkward or anything, just weird. We all kind of agreed that none of us have felt love yet because we haven't yet felt love or ourselves. I mean, yeah, I love myself. I guess. But, I don't really know myself. Obviously you learn new things about yourself everyday, but I'm talking about my true inner deep-down self. I have no idea what or who I am really. I wonder if most people feel that way. I wonder if you can really love another person without loving yourself. I wish I knew the answer to this question, but I truly have too strong of an ego to go around asking people. You'll rarely find me asking for help from others. Jesus I'm horny.

Nobody is ever going to understand the world and how it works, or at least I doubt anyone ever will. And if someone ever does I actually feel kind of sorry for them, because trying to figure out life is the best part of life. Once you've figured it out, is it really worth living anymore? I know that I will never have all the answers, but its the journey you travel to try and find the answers that makes life so absolutely amazing. Am I right? Who knows. Like I said, I don't have the answers.

I'm thinking about writing a novel. I don't know how this will work, but since I'm so sporadic I think I'll juggle together a large group of short stories into a huge book. I'll give it some surreal title that sums up the over all moral of it. Knowing myself, this will probably be a failure, but you never really know right?

Skinny Lover

This pot head from my work made this CD for me and I have to say its quite ah-mazing. If anyone ever decides to read this blog check out the song Change, by Blind Melon. Maybe you'll fall in love as I did. :3

I LOVE RIVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm declaring my love today- March 17 2011- I am absolutely in LOVE with River. And no I'm not talking about a long thing body of fresh water, I'm talking about the guy I've loved since I was a freshman. My lover forever. I know he loves me too. What's not to love? ... ha.

Let me describe River.

He's tall, taller than my dad even. Maybe 6'1, is that tall? He's got broad shoulders and a tall chest. His collar bone is pretty defines, it shows just a little bit over his v-necks or t-shirts. He's sexy, and not many boys can achieve that title. His hair is dark. He use to grow it out all skater/indie-ish, but he's grown older and it shows in his classic trimmed due. He has thick dark eyebrows, but not nasty where they over power his forehead or anything, just prominent I guess. His dark hazel eyes sit right below his eyebrows, and his long thick eyelashes peak right out from underneath them too. If we were to ever procreate, I hope our offspring's would carry the long sexy eyelash gene. He has a medium sized aquiline nose, its cute. His lips are wide, well, wider than mine. His top lip has a deep dip in the top, and his bottom lip is plump, similar to my own lips. Our lips were made to kiss each others. He has a semi-wide jaw, nothing like "carved by the Gods" but just an average jaw. His cheeks are kinda plump, but not chubby by any means. He has a mole on his cheek, its kinda big I guess, for a mole. But I think its kinda cute.

He's a confusing person, or maybe he just tries to be. I understand him for the most part, but some things about him I just don't get. He's shy in front of most people, except those he's comfortable around, which is only a few people. I'm not really even someone he's not shy around. Its not that he's just quiet, he doesn't like to express himself in front of people who will judge him.

His dad's an alcoholic. He doesn't see him all that often. Last I checked he was in a coma, twice. :/ His Mom's sweet, or so he tells me. I've never met her, but I'm sure we'd get along perfectly because I tend to have a special bond with mothers. I understand mom's.

He has a deep voice, deeper than most people I know. He talks similar to Edward Cullen, when he's explaining something at least. He uses large grammatical words that I would need a dictionary to define.

I'm tired, I love him

Velvet

New Chapter

I'm all about revolutions. I need a revolution for myself. I think I'm at the point of my life, where one thing ends and another begins. Its a Sunday evening and I'm declaring this day a life changing day. Nothing too extra-amazing happened but.. its one of those days where you realize things. Today was my day. I'm young, beautiful and alive. Why not?

Life's going to get exciting, fuck tomorrow :)

Rebellion is so kewl dontcha' think?

I'm gunna have fun, why not.

I'll try and blog a whole lot more often. I'll talk about my day & shit.

...Not like anyone's reading this

Candy Shoppe

I wanna do cocaine.

Southside

Maggie Fawkes

You wanna know something? I think that most people in this world are friendless. Honestly. I have been for most of my life. I mean, when you see me from the outside, er from another persons perspective I definitely seem like a girl always surrounded by a cattle of friends all the time. For me, there all just people. Not friends at all. And I fucking hate people. Maybe its just "high school" but sometimes I feel like every single person I know is just a shallow heartless nobody. Sometimes I feel so separated from my peers that its all just kind of a weird dream, like a bad episode of the Twilight Zone. When you feel alone in the world, life is all kind of surreal and blurry. Like a fogged up brain.

Well I don't know where I was going with that.. but my point was to bring up my actual best friend. Not some lifeless shallow sheep. Quite possibly one of the greatest people I've ever met. We may be complete fucking opposites, but I love her to death. The way I like to think about is that she's a square and I'm a circle. Of course its a bit more complex than shapes but thats how it works in my mind. You know what's funny? When I first met her about 6 years ago, she was the circle and I was the square. And we wee FAR from best friends. She was a wild flower, always being daring and provocative. It was all kind of intimidating, I was this timid little Bambi-type girl and she was the fearless fox. Of course, growing up and growing wiser has changed a lot of that. A lot of life lessons have been learned to say the least. She's grown to be much more responsible and mature, she's very concentrated on doing whats right for herself and others. And for myself, I've learned to never shy down. I'm not at all concerned without being anyone but who I want to be. A lot of people claim to live by that idea, but its so much more rewarding when its the truth. I truly love myself so much more knowing that I'm free. Maggie and I have taught each other quite a lot. She keeps me from killing myself (not like suicide, but from being almost too destructive) and I keep teach her to kill herself (keep in mind thats just a metaphor.) We balance each other out quite nicely.

There is SO MUCH more that can be said right now, but typing is beginning to bore me.

Stay Golden

So Hey.

Whats new?

I'm not incredibly good at writing about myself or my emotions so I'm starting this thing where I write about the people in my life. Without them I'm no one right?

Davey Prudence

So there's this guy. (I HATE stories that start out like this.)

I'm 17 right? He's 23, er 24. We happen to work at the same place. For me its just a part-time job to pay for my gym membership/gas/clothes/lavish dining, but for him its a career. I'm just a cashier, he's a manager. He's actually already in a relationship with another girl who works there as well (who is closer to his age and holds a higher up position than myself.) She's a sweet girl, kinda plain, but still kinda sweet. She's got this pale non-expressive face though, far different from mine. I've never seen her laugh incredibly hard or trip&fall or anything like that. She's in school right now studying accounting..... that says it all. I mean, she's nice and all, and we talk on occasion, but she's so not right for him. Let me tell you about the day I first ever saw his tan, adoring, dimpled face... I was on register 10, staring aimlessly at the ceiling, most likely fixated on my own thoughts about what my plans for the weekend, just minding my own business. In walks this guy. He's average height, very muscular, (I'm not even into the guido/gorilla buff kinda guy) tanned Tahitian skin, and walking with his shoulders wide and broad, almost with his chest puffed out. Its like that instant connection, I think he even looked at me. I almost got weak, like in my legs. My eyes were fixed on him, good thing no one came to check-out cuz' I would not have noticed at all. I was almost stunned, I had no idea someone so HAWT would work there.

After that day I swear months went by without me ever even seeing him, I figured he quit or got fired er some shit like that. Or maybe we were just never scheduled to work on the same days? Who knows, I was pretty over it. But one day I was putting returned items back to their spots and some guy was standing behind me with a clipboard writing shit down. At first I thought he was writing about me so I just tried to work proficiently, but I couldn't figure out where this stupid Santa coloring book went. After like 30 seconds I slowly let my grey-green eyes lift from the base of the shelf to see who the fuck was writing on that clip board. I almost pee'd a little when I saw that tanned face again. He just kind of looked at me, didn't smile. I gave a quick baby smile with light happy eyes and quickly shoved my face back down to finish looking for the coloring book. When I know someones watching me, I involuntarily start to do weird things. Its like I lose control over my body. My back might start to get shivers and I'll start to do this weird shaking neck thing. I was standing there, doing that weird neck thing. Oh shit, I thought. I'm just gunna walk away. (By the way turns out he was writing about the shelves, not me.) I was about to get the hell out of there when I heard a semi-deep voice. "You having troubles?" It was kind of a light reassuring voice, he even kind of said it with a giggle. For me, when that barrier breaks between awkwardness and new-best-friend I'm no longer a disheveled little shy thing. I popped around with a little grin and told him about the coloring book. He laughed and placed it on a shelf probably 5 feet taller than I was.

So yeah, thats how it all got started. From then on we would talk pretty often at work. He laughed at my jokes and I was in awe over his mannerisms. There was a part about him that really seemed like he wanted me. I'm use to seeing men look at me a certain way, like I'm this interesting erotic little thing. But he looked at me like I was actually interesting enough to love. I shouldn't bring up the L word, thats not what I meant. But seriously, it was something I'm not all that use to. About a week or so later I got a friend request on Facebook from him. It was kinda weird but cool at the same time seeing his interests and everything. I knew we were very similar from talking in person but it showed that we were into a lot of the same things too. But, there's always the girlfriend thing. Fuck. I can't get all buddy-buddy with someone else's guy. See, a part of me says fuck it, you only live once and you want him & he wants you and everything will be alright she'll never ever find out. But I have this karma thing, ever since I got caught stealing from Macy's in 7th grade I haven't been so good at going against my conscience. I'm constantly doing the right thing, well sorta. Whatever, back to the story. So like a week after he added me he chatted me. I literally got a huge smile on my face when I saw his name pop up on the screen. We started talking, I could tell we were clicking well. He even said something like "we're so much alike, we should get married." The conversation went on and he ended it with "I've gotta go, here's my #, text me." I basically kinda flipped. And no worries, I didn't jump his phone and text him that second. I actually waited a day :) Like I've learned from books! We've had good conversations since then, nothing too deep, just flirting. He even invited me to his house to go hot tubbin', but I had work the next morning... and I was deathly scared to go. He'll text me every so often, but I never text him first. I don't wanna seem like the pushy-attached-innocent-little girl-who gushes about him with her stupid best friends. Thats the last thing I want, and its hard since I'm significantly younger than him. I need to seem mature and classy, which isn't hard because for the most part I'm pretty mentally and emotionally advanced for my age.

Alright, fast-forward. I was at the mall with my Mom the other day when he texted me. It started off as just a casual convo like usual, but I decided to take a chance and lay the flirtation on a little more thick. He was totally into it. I was totally into it. He kept saying things like "You're such a funny girl" and "You make me laugh." I loved hearing it. Then at one point he asked me why I haven't asked him to hangout or told him that I was into him. That kind of threw me off. I mean, I knew we were flirting, but thats all I really thought it was. Sure, I'd love for it to be more... but he's already in a relationship. I told him that, and he asked "well do you keep secrets?" When he said that it almost made me want to throw up. I wanted to say NO you ass hole. But who was I kidding? I'd already gone this far, what was I expecting to happen? I can't get show someone interest and then back off the second they take it further. I asked for this. But I still told him no. It was the karma thing again, God dammit. I just couldn't.

Her I am now, almost completely regretting rejecting him. I don't know what to do.

Confusion is the most common emotion I feel. I'm always confused about myself, the world, life, everything. I'm confused as to why I chose to write about him first, rather than my best friend, or my Mom or something. This little story of mine makes me feel incredibly naive.